Verbal Judo five universal truths: dignity and respect, to be asked not told, to be told why, options not threats, a second chance

Verbal Judo

2A Conversation Skills

The gentle art of persuasion.

Use the other person’s energy.

Redirect it instead of meeting it head on.

Stay professional, whatever they say.

5Universal truths
5Steps
1983Created

Verbal Judo is a method of calm, persuasive communication developed by Dr. George J. Thompson, a former English professor and police officer.

He began teaching it in the early 1980s and later wrote Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion (1993) with Jerry B. Jenkins.

It has been taught to hundreds of thousands of police officers, and it works just as well at a family dinner or in a comment thread.

Verbal Judo five universal truths: dignity and respect, to be asked not told, to be told why, options not threats, a second chance

The Five Universal Truths

Thompson taught that nearly everyone, in any conflict, wants five things.

Dignity and respect

Treat the person well even when you reject their argument.

To be asked, not told

“Can I share how I see it?” lands better than “Here is the truth.”

To be told why

Explain the reason behind your position, not just the position.

Options, not threats

Offer choices: “We could look at the numbers, or I can send you the court case.”

A second chance

Let people walk back a heated comment without humiliation.

The Five-Step Approach

1
AskAsk an open question to understand where the person is coming from.
2
Set contextExplain the facts, law or reason that matters, calmly and briefly.
3
Present optionsGive the person choices about where the conversation goes next.
4
Confirm“Is there anything I could say that would change your mind?” Give one last chance for agreement.
5
Act or disengageIf the exchange stays hostile, end it politely. Walking away calmly is a win in front of an audience.

Deflectors: Let the Insult Pass

Thompson called them “strip phrases”: short replies that acknowledge an insult without taking the bait, then return to the point.

Do

“I hear you, and I appreciate that you care about this. Here is what the law actually says.”

Avoid

“Oh yeah? Well, you clearly do not know anything about guns.”

Do

“That may be. Can I ask what you think the law would change?”

Avoid

Matching their tone, volume or language.

Recognizing what triggers fear, inadequacy or shame in a conversation, in others and in yourself, is the first step to staying in control of your own reaction.

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Sources
  • George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins, Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion (William Morrow, 1993; updated 2013)
  • Verbal Judo Institute